TUMBLR.

http://dizzz.tumblr.com/

You.

Fuck you, because your a selfish fucking asshole.

Here we go again.

Scared shitless right now.

In fear of having my heart ripped out of my chest again.

Like, it hasn't even happened yet, and I have the empty feeling.

I absolutly HATE this feeling.

I'd take death over feeling like this for even a week.

I hate hate hate it.

It hurts but it doesn't make sense, why does it hurt?

I think heartbreak is the only pain you feel mentally, physically, and emotionally.

To him: You think too much. Your ruining a good thing.

To myself: Breathe.

Idk, fuck everything really.

I'm DONE caring.

I am NOT DOING this shit again.

I'm completely giving up on people in general.

I don't need to fucking deal with this shit.

I put my whole heart into everything.

And nothing EVER works out.

EVER EVER EVER.

I'm sick of it.

Never again will I ever let my gaurd down for anyone like I did in the past.

No more giving my trust to people who don't deserve it. [Not directed to you]

Nope nothing. I've finally reached my breaking point. And I'm never dealing with this bullshit again.

Whenever I feel like this the words just spill out.

I love writing sometimes.

Does it help?

No.. but what can you do...

UGHDSKUGHADKJGHDSKLJGHADLGHDKSLJGHS

fuckk my lifee.

Can't I ever be happy?

Like in all honesty.. can I?

Be somebody.

It's ridiculous how small minded the world has become.

Quiet disgusting if you ask me.

All these stupid trends.

Kids being brainwashed to fit society's standards.

No ones unique anymore.

What happened to thinking outside the box?

Now it's just "What will help me fit in?".

People, please.. open your eyes.

Your all pathetic, and quiet frankly I'm sick of it.

Realize that your just another simple person on the list of nobodies.

The nobodies who dedicate there lives to being accepted & popular.

The nobodies who in reality are nothing, with out there high priced clothes and accessories.

Be somebody.

Not another nobody.

Sorry for the rant.

It probably makes no sense.

Why am I still here...

Honestly?

I have one reason GOOD reason to be alive atm.

But thats it.

Nothing else.

Bullshit, everything is going wrong..

No, I'm not an emo depressed fuck who complains about shit.

I do this to get away.

And write how I feel.

make everything right.

So, I never blog anymore....

Because it pisses me off.

blah.

I found a nice boy.

Not my boyfriend.

Still single..

But I found a nice boy.

He's amazing, gives me butterflies and such.

Big smiles, and stuffz.

jeeeezzzz <3333333333333333333333333333

My Parasites.

Saira Marie Ayala. Rest In Peace.

Fuck, I miss you so GodDamn much Saira.

Why did he take you.

I love you. And I can't stop crying.

I'm freaking out.

I miss you so much. And I didn't even get to say goodbye.

Come back to me. :'[

And I'll never forget your beautiful face.

And may angels lead you in.

Please understand

this isn't just goodbye.
this is i can't stand you.


I'm over it. Your a fucking idiot.
Who is mentally retarded.
Like literally.

You fucking piece of shit.

To My Ray Of Sunshine

Your the only thing that gets me by.

Sinister <3
Marissa loves him more though.
>_<

Anyway. I'm really bored, and no one is online, and I'm all troubled and shit so I guess I'll just write, and write, and write.

Everything changed so fast, my life was perfect.
But yet now looking back I took everything for granite
and I appriciated nothing at all. I had everything.
And I miss it, I wish everything would go back to the way
it was in April. No School, No rules, Getting trashed everynight
not having a care in the world, getting 2 packs of ciggerettes a week.
Not needing to look for a job.

Now take everything I just said, and flip it.
SCHOOL
RULES
NO DRINKING OR SMOKING
EVERYTHING MATTERS
BEGGING PEOPLE TO GET ME CIGGERETTES
APPLYING FOR EVERY JOB IN THE WORLD.

fuck my gmom.
fuck my life.
fuck this house...


I haven't been myself lately.



Stop complaining Amber.

So, don't cry darling.

So, these past few days whether or not I've showed it I've been pretty distraught.
I can hide it well, huh?
--
I met.. well I didn't actually like meet them.. but you understand.
Yeah, so I met a new friend. :]
He's pretty fucking amazing. Like really, I'm serious.
I've been making videos like crazy..
--
Idk, fuck my life though. It's fucking sucking some major asshole atm.
Everything is going downhill, and honestly I can't talk to anybody.
Because I can't trust anyone.. well, yeah I trust some people. And they know who they are.
But I just wish I had some stranger to talk to, someone who doesn't really know me.
Someone who doesn't judge me.
Someone who doesn't care.
Someone who's been there already.
Fuck it. I mean I guess I could talk to somebody about the situations I'm in atm. But
It's not like they'd actually care to listen.
I have to many untrustworthy friends.
I mean they'll listen, but then blab off to someone else like, "Aw Omg, Amber is so upset and blahblah" then ten minuetes later I'll get an IM from someone and they'll be like
SO I HEARD YOUR UPSET.
Yeah... Fuck that. I'm not dealing with it.
Plus everyone gives me sympathy.. I don't want your fucking sympathy. I want your help and advice, I don't want you to feel bad, and say, "Aw I'm Sorry" No fuck that. Tell me something constructive.

Idk why I'm blogging, I haven't done this in forever.
fuck it, i'll probably blog again later.
D:
Save me.


But I can't Breathe without you but I have to.

So, I know this person.

Who's fucking retarded.
"Hey yeah, I'm not going to drive 15 more min just to pick you up because I'm fucking retarded and I don't want the 13 dollars your gonna give me just to drive an extra 3 miles."

THEE BIGGEST ASSHOLE.
stop hanging out with little girls.

Bad Bad Bad.

My life offically sucks.


ADOPT ME!

You.

I hate this.

I miss you.

I really wish I could fix this wrong.
I was so nieave about the entire situation.
And really, I just lost a best friend.
I gained nothing, except a liar on my side.
Honestly I hope every girl who falls for him is smarter then me.
Because he WILL ruin everything.
Come between everything.
And so on.

I did so much for him and now he fucked me over saying, "Oh don't be friends with her and our relationship can move on"
Fuck that.
I don't want you.


I just want my best friend back.

STOP LYING TO ME!!!!

Jesus, you tell me one thing, and her the other.
Fuckkkk, I don't know who to fucking believe.
I try to believe you.. but you barely talk to me anymore..

I don't know what to do.

SHWAYZEEEEEEE

jesus lord.

Cisco is amazing.
He looked at me while singing and pointed at me and I started crying.
Jesus, and!

shwayze fell into the pit..
me nikki jessica and kaitlyn had FRONT ROWW BABBYYY

Preppy ass girls pushing us with annoying ass voices. Lmao.
Faggots.

A's rage was amazing.

and this one band that i forget.
the lead singer had poofy hair.
lol
his name was brandon.
lmao
anyway, we all stood for like 5 hours, and forgot how to walk.

OH OH OH!!

I screamed I LOVE YOU CISCO!
He was all, "I love you too baby!"
<3333

I touched Shwayzes tummy, ass, arm, leg, and shoe.
And Cisco's, shoe, tummy, legs, arms.

I HELD BOTH OF THERE HANDS!


yikes! I love them<3

Alright, lets get straight to the fucking point

Here's the deal. Any guy who thinks I'm cute, hot, adorable, whatever. ASK ME THE FUCK OUT OR SOMETHING.
I am actually not looking for anything serious, Just an attractive guy or girl who likes me and I like them. And Not actually be having to be "going out". But the fact that I like them they like me and we hook up and stuff. =]
Just like something to have fun with.
Idk I'm rambling, it's not making as much sense as I wanted it too.
=]

This makes sense.

Don't dwell on it. Especially if you think there's still some potential.
Because chances are there isn't. And you guys aren't going to get back together.
I've experienced this first hand. And I know how it feels. And it hurts.
So, don't dwell on getting back together no matter how much they make it feel
like its possible because your honestly only going to cause yourself more pain.

& It'll never be the same.

I don't know how I'm supposed to feel.
I don't know what happened.
No body wants to tell me.
Apparently I fucked up.
But whatever.
Hmm.

Used?

Fuck.

won kun ty non fah huh

CLICK ON THAT IMAGE.
QUOTES FROM ME AND MIKE.
<3
Lmao.

Decode this.

SSB3YW50IHRvIGRpZS4gWW91J3ZlIG5ldmVyIGJlZW4gdGhlcmUgdG8
gaGVscCBtZS4gWW91IG5ldmVyIHdpbGwuIA0KSSBzd29yZSBJIHdh
cyBkb25lIHdpdGggdGhpcy4gU2xpdHRpbmcgbXkgc2tpbiBvcGVuIGp1c3Qgd
G8gZmVlbCByZWxpZWYuIEl0J3MgZnVja2luZyBidWxsc2hpdC4gV2UgbGl2ZSBpbiB
hIGZ1Y2tpbmcgd29ybGQgd2l0aCBhIGZ1Y2tpbmcgY29ydXB0ZWQgc29jaWV0eS
4gQW5kIHlldCwgd2UncmUgZnJlZT8gRlVDSyBGUkVFRE9NLiBGVUNL
IFRISVMuDQoNCkknbSBkb25lLiBJJ20gZG9uZS4NCkknbGwgc3RheS
BhbGl2ZS4NCkJ1dCBpdCBkb2Vzbid0IG1lYW4gdGhhdCB5b3UgY2FuIHN
0b3AgbWUgZnJvbSBldmVyeXRoaW5nIGJ1dC4uDQoNCkZ1Y2sgeW91Lg==

Yes, It says something.
How I fucking feel right about now.
>_<

Quitting?

I think I'm done with drugs.
Like for real.
I said it yesterday.
I quit.
No more drugs.
I haven't done them in 11 days.
Well besides caffine engery pills.
But thats not a drug so that count.

Next up I do think I'm only going to drink on occasion.
Not like heavily like I did like last week every night.
But its not like I was getting trashed or anything.
Just a little drunk.
Thats all.

Smoking.. will be last.
It's just.. I don't know if I want to stop.


I'm going to start cleaning my life up.
Plus.. it's all idiotic and pointless.
So, why waste time..
I mean I've expiremented enough with most of it.
So, why should I continue fucking up my body.
Rediculous.
LOL.

Done.

What?

I want something I can have. I have something I've wanted. But I don't completely have it. Never will. It's not going to happen. But it's not something I'll attach on too. Well, I don't want to atleast. Shit happens. Whether or not you regret it. Your happy it did. And your happy it'll continue. I don't know. I like this person. But I can't like them. I don't know if it's him.
Or who he reminds me of.

And if this person reads this and figures it out.
It's going to be awkward.
Ahaha.

Anyway, I had something amazing happen onnn... Friday? I believe it was.
Not saying what. Because I'm not allowed. BUT OMFG JESUS LORD AYE CARUMBA. It was the best fun I've ever had! Lions are fun. Yess. Yes they are.

More stuff.. hmm... umm...
Me and Marissa aren't really talking anymore.
Richi won't allow it.
Aha. I learned what risque' means.
What else.. hmm...

I also learned that Mike and I have the same mind..
Well he won't admit it..
But it's true.
And it's hilarious.
Bahaha. He won't make a video for youtube either.
So I made him one, saying that he should make one.
And he named it for me..
It kinda went like this on aim, minus the screenames.
"Mike, name my video."
"Yes."

I hate when people do that.. Except I did it yesterday on accident ONLY BECAUSE I COULDN'T HEAR WHAT LYSSA'S DAD WAS SAYING..
We were going to Wendy's to get free 2in frostys lol.
And he goes.
"Which way?"
And I'm like..
"Yes."

>_<
I THOUGHT HE SAID "THIS WAY?"
LOLOL.
I'm a real idiot sometimes.
But I'm amazing so it doesn't matter.

I don't know what else to write.
I'M EXTREMLY FUCKING BORED.
AND NO ONE IS ONLINE.
JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE..

Jessica on Mucinex DM lmao.

I'm writing down everything she's saying. lmao

"I'm floating everywhere, I can see it on your celieng I am floating everywhere. WOAH! -looks around- thats so weird. Holy shit. Holy crap. I.. SAW THE CELIENG AND EVERYTHING. -closes eyes- .............trying to wait to see what else I see............I'm falling backwards. I'm falling.. backwards into a tornado, tornado.. don't eat me tornado. awwweee I DON'T EVEN LIKE TORNADOS I NEVER HAVE! My body feels like a sponge. Why am I in SPACE?? woahh. how can i be in space.. this is SO COOL!! ..................-whispers- spacee... space...

THE MOOON..............oh its really dark...HOW IS IT SO LIGHT NOW? AMBER I WAS JUST IN SPACE HOW IS IT LIGHT NOW.
-sings- Loose conroolllll I love you I love you

AM I MOVING. now I'm tall I think. woah.
I hate myself.
Amber's where's the camera?
it's so wierd because when i shut my eyes i go into different worlds.
you know what i mean?
didn't i go though this already.
alright here it is.
amber i was in space.
it was so fun

you said east.
east
east.

icky icky icky.
the garage moted into lava.
it melted.
it was so amazing

nooonoo
I SAW THE FLOWER IT WASN'T VERY NICE THERE WAS GHOSTS AND....
i didn't like it
I SAW ONE JUST NOW GET IT OUT
get it out"


She's so fucked up. XD

Do you really understand?

Omg, fucking idiots.
Everyone, but a select few.
Fucking insignificant iggnorant assholes.



But what can you do?
They can just stay oblivious to whats really going on.

Fuck you.

JonJon's like a naggy wife.

Complaining that I don't blog enough.. I get to see him on Saturday. HARVEST FEST.

Then its spirit week, and nocturne.

I'm also having a halloween party on the 25th<33
Me and My Secondhand Walrus.
That I love a lot.


Jonjon is pretty damn hood if you ask me.
And he needs to punch this girl in the cunt.
lmao.

werd.

shit.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

FUCKED UPPPPPP XD

Last night I drank a quater bottle of vodka.

A bottle of wine.

And smoked.

Jessica never shuts the fuck up when she's stoned.

THEN OMG.

She was like, I feel this.

I'm going from STONED to HIGH!

I'm sitting there like what did you jsut say??

And she looked at me like 0_-

AND WE START CRACKING UP.

I lost my ciggerettes a little before we went out to smoke.

funshit.<3

Bahaaaa.

Today I didn't go to school, because I'm sick.
And I went with my Mom to register Gia for school, then we went to the Cohanzic zoo, or however you spell it, and Chubba had pretzels to feed the geese.
So, shes running up to them, I'm running after her, and I OF COURSE GET ATTACKED.

Not cute.
lol.

Lettuce is in your ears.

so i'm staying home today because my mom doesn't think its needed for me to be driven to school, and then at 11:30 be picked up because my father is coming here to bring me something. so she said it was a waste of gas. so, now i'm stuck watching the kids to earn money.. amazing isn't it?
Max and Ruby is on because these kids like to watch obnoxious show's. Ones that repeat the same word over and over again. Some call it learning, I call it annoying. I did giggle at the fact that she said,
"Max your sandwich isn't in you, its on you! You look disgusting! Jam on your face, lettuce in your ears. You need to take a bath!"

Oh boy naked cartoon rabbit!!!!!
The best part of that is he keeps spillling stuff in the tub and it turns him different colours.

But the rest is stupid.
Now my sister is dancing with pretzels.
I will be taking pictures today.
I wish I could've went to school.
I was going to wear my new tutu over some skinny jeans.
It was cute.
I thought so.

Chillen today.
Nocturne tonight.
School tomorrow.

I feel really weird..

I have not gotten involved with anyone new.
So, why do I feel like I just got my heart broken.
I've closed off all other feelings for past relationships.
Or tried atleast.
I hate feeling this way.
It bothers me.

fuckkkk

You mean nothing

I want somebody to love.
Eveyone's energy is becoming unbalanced in my eyes.
I can't feed off of it.
Which is bad.
I need a person.
Who will love me.

Not like the ones in the past.
You all mean nothing to me anymore.
It's bulshit if you ask me.
I really hate it.
The contant hurt.


BLAH, Mike is watching Jepordy, and he knows like all the answers.
I answered one of them. Wow. He should go on the show and win me money.
That would be nice of him.


Idk, I wonder if I'm bi-polar.
Just a thought.

I'm obviously just not good enough.

I need a really ugly best friend. So, everyone I start to crush on stops going for her.
It's bullshit.

Can I like not be happy?

Cow.

Cow is just so creepin.

"Ohh, yeahh, I just want you soo bad, all over my face and body.."

^^ he made me write that.

he just said "yeah i did"

BAHAHAHAHAHA!

little cow is little.

sleepy cow is sleepy.

FUCKING STUPID COW.

bahahahhahahahahhaa

You.

You are the only one who can do this to me.
I'm so glad we're talking again.
You were my life.

I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.


I lovee you.

I'M BACK BITCHES!!!!

Bahaha, Schalick.

I'M BACK!!!!!



And I'll never leave you again.

I just need to get a new locker... since mine doesn't like to open.. -_-





funnnnn

You really don't understand.

I need to stop.

Hopefully everything will work out.

Tomorrow is the first day of school for everyone. And I really want to go back to Schalick. But apparently I'm still in the system, so I'm going to go tomorrow, and hopefully everything will work-out, and they will give me a scheduel and I'll be on my way.

I have no new clothes. But I did bleach part of my hair. It's cute. I think.
I could be at the club right now. I would've been there for 2 hours already. I really hate this. I feel all fluttery, but not a good kind. I don't want to stop going. I feel like I'm supposed to be there.

I don't know where this blog is going.
But haha.
Night.

I can’t believe you’re gone, you were my life all along

"I can’t believe my eyes you are not here to save my life
and I don’t want to go, I love you I love you, but I’ve lost control
I can’t believe you’re gone, you were my life all along
now bury me below, I love you, I love you, but I have to go.."

^^ thats epic.

I'm not getting any better. Make it all dissappear. And I promise I'll be fine.
I haven't felt like this in a really long timeee. And of course I'll cover it up.
I always have. No one really knows anything about it either. It's funny in a way.
I don't.. I mean.. I really.. It's not..
What?
I honestly can say that its worse then before. And I regret getting like this.
Mmmmmhmmmm.

I'm going to bed.
I have no clue what tomorrow brings.

Bad things.

I started doing a bad nonsense again.
NO NOT DRUGS. Stupid.
I happen to have nice reasons to do this silly thing.
Which isn't so silly, if it helps.
I really don't want to go back to the old days.
Like 3 years ago when I did it hardcore.
Its been 5 years I have been doing it.
On and Off.
I don't understand how it came to that today.
But I laughed afterwords.

Fun shit.
BAHAHAHA!

Dracula's Ball.

Wasn't as fun as I expected. Richi, Marissa, Cow, and myself went. I saw Ken, and Mark. It was nice. Marissa, Cow, and myself danced. Richi was being a silly boy. So, he wouldn't dance. I laughed at the sluts that were all over Ken. LOL, And protected Marissa from 438739 guys by saying we were dating. It was great. After the ball, we went to Cows house and gottt crunkkk, and of course me being the most light weight there, even though I'm the biggest got extreamly fucked up. Jeeeshhh sometimes I wish it didn't happen like that. Anyway, then we left, went to Wawa and I had to pee so we went to the bathrooms, and my tutu got all fkjdsfskl in everything else I was wearing and I was DRUNK so I walk out of the stall and go "MARISSA CAN YOU HELPP ME?!?!?!" lololollll, bahahaha, that was hilarious. So, we dropped Richi off and "Mikeys" and then went back to Cows, and everyone was like "Where's that cool dude? He was all chill." And I was like, "Ohhh well he lefted cause he was extresamly tiredsdd but mnaybee if you woiulda told him taaa stahhyy he would uv" Nick was like "Ohhh werrddd?" LOL, Ugh, we were only there for a bit. Then I fell down in Cow's drive-way. And then me and Marissa went back to my house, I layed down and she complainded about how her bed wasn't made. Bahaha. And then she was hungrey, so we went into the kitchen and I saw hot chocolate. She walks out there and I'm drinking it, she goes "AMBER DON'T DRINK COLD HOT CHOCOLATE!!!" and I start cracking up, and I spit it all out and I'm pretty sure half of it came out of my nose.. it was all over my hands too so when I fell on the ground laughing I kept slipping everywhere. And all we could think about was how amazing it would've been if Cow and Richi were there to witness that. Anyway, I cooked her eggs on my knees, because I didn't feel like standing up. She ate them, we slept in my bed together even though I have 3 mattressses. And then she left at 3pm. =[

FUNFUNFUNFUNFUN
What did we learn today?
YOUR MOMMA CAN'T DANCE!

Last Nocturne For A While.

Soo, we went to Nocturne last night, me foodless and sleepless. It was Marissa, Pat, Cow, and myself. ^_^ It was extreamly fun. But at first I was like really dizzy and stuff. I also noticed that I can't dance to some of the songs because they aren't the right beat. THEY PLAYED MARISSAS AND MY SONGS! The DING, and Military Fashion Showwww!!!!! YAYY!! Our last Nocturne for a while. And I had a whole lot of fun. Miss Natasha was there. And I love her a lot because she gives my crabs orgasms, lololol. No, I don't really have crabs.

I got elbowed in the eye really bad. I fixed it up, then, We danced, and danced. Saw Ken dance, got Pat to dance, Cow danced, Natasha danced, Mr.MarcGrimm, danced, and he MACKED IT with this girl. BAHAHAHAHAHA. That was great. And the only reason it happened because of this.
Marissa: "He wants you to go dance with him."
Me: "I don't know how to dance with guys like this!"
Marissa: "GOOO GETTT ITTT!!!"
Me: -laughing- "OMG MARISSA MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO!"
Marissa: "Yes, you do. He deffinetly wants to like kiss you."
Me: "-thinks well i do think he's cute- Ummmm"
Marissa: "I'll just pretend like I left you!!! -walks away-"
Me: "-thinking jesus omg whyyyy!!!" -walks to Mr.MarcGrimmmmm.- "SHE LEFT ME!!!"

Then of corse after 15 min of chillen with him on the dancefloor. THE DING SONG CAME ON!!!
So, I ran away and got Marissa, and I attempted to grab Ken to dance. FAIL. He likes to sit there and go -hits bell movement- DING! lol. Its cute. So, we danced to the DING. Then I went back to Marc. And we were chillen andd COUGH COUGH ! Baahahahaha! Then Cow ruined it and like tapped me and we had to go, so I hugged Marc and ran away. Then we lost Cow. So, we stayed in the club till the lights came on. And I hugged Ken like 35453098 times because I knew I proabably won't see him for a while. And that upsets me.

We left. I fell asleep in the car for like 15 min. Then TIME OUT FROM THE STORY MY SISTER JUST SAID LIGHTBULB. If you get this joke your my BIFFIE WALRUS! Anyway, then I woke up and looked at Pat and he goes,
"Amber."
"Yeahh?"
"I love you!"
"Whats wrong?"
"Nothing I'm just happy. And I love you!"
"Ohh, I love you too."
"GIMMIE A HUGG!!!"
[SHOUT OUT TO BIFFIE WALRUS I LOVE YOUUU!!]

Then we go to 711 at 2:30 in the morning. because it's on the way to my house. Pat gets us monster slurpees, and he got yummy chipps. Cow got this weiner thing. And then gave me a ciggerette "for the road" lol.

Bahahaha. We got close to my house. And I go "WHAT IF I'M LOCKED OUT?!?!?!?!", everybody gave me there own little funny thing on what to do. or they said oh well. Well, they dropped me off and I was locked out so I lit the ciggerette and drank the slushie. And I'm just so thankful that there was a crowbar, a hammer, and a lader outside. Even though I used only the crowbar.

Called Richi, and we were both out of it so we had an amazing conversation. "I'm a ramble muble" lolol. Richi really is like great to have as a friend. And you should all be jealous. LOL. I love him a lot. And I'm so happy he's going to Dracs ball. And then possibly sleeping over. Which I don't see why not because apparently Cow might be chillen with us for a little bit. It'll be fun. Didn't that seem like an eventful night?

I saw the Jonas Brothers!!!!

Well, today was eventful. I stayed up all night. Still awake, 29 hours maybe? Longest I've ever stayed awake. I'm going to Shampoo tonight because Cow is amazing. Anyway.. this morning I got a shower at like 5:30 am. Chilled in my bed, talked to Tobby <33>

We were planning on meeting the Jonas Brothers!! Whooo-hoo! -_-

They make nice music sometimes, and they're extreamly hott.

So, I thought I should go.. plus I've never seen a famous person up close.

IT WAS AMAZING.

We didn't meet them personally. We didn't talk. We screamed. Waiting willingly for 2 hours holding a camera up to be the first person to catch a glimpse of them!! It was great. I don't even like them HALF as much as my sister does. And she's like a hardcore JB phanatic! Crazzzy.. Anyway, like I don't know. But Like I all started tearing up. All that could come out of my mouth was "Oh my god" I couldn't believe it.

The kids that started out from re-making disney classics..

Who turned out to be great musicians.

Within 25 ft of me.

Nick, Joe, and Kevin Jonas.

Hmm, they came a nice distance of close. Waved. Went in there cars. They looked upset. I thought so atleast. But anyway, they started in there cars. And rolled down the windows. I had such an addrenniline rush that I ran over to see them one more time, and they pulled away. So, me and this girl started running to where the cars pull out, and this security gaurd was all "NOOOO" so I was all "HURRY HURRY GO GO GO GO" We got there. They were 2 feet infront of me. In there black escalade. Hmm. Kevin threw something to some fat boy. I don't know what it was. But I kept taping. He rolled down the window. One more time. AHHH!!!!

I was shaking so bad. I was so happy.

YAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYY

We could've met them 1 on 1. But my mom decided we should leave the poster contest. When we could of very well won. Karissa had like the best poster in the world. Hmph.. oh well. Maybe next time.

I guess if I have the energy I'll write a new blog after Shampoo.

But here's the video I took of them.

I just will not eat.

So, me and my sister just got done doing a 2 mile walk work-out thing at 2:57am.. And I think I'm going to start exercising. I mean really. I'm really fat. And I need to like diet, and exercise. Or just will not eat. And exercise.I think I look fine sometimes. But I could be as gorgeous as I used to be. Hm.. yes, I think that sounds good. I'm tired of being the fat ugly girl that everyone thinks is worthless. Its time I got some attention. Oh my god. I just realize I didn't go to the beach at all this summer. No, I haven't gone to the beach this year. Jesus!!!! That's epic. Anyway yeah. I'm gonna start loosing weight. You'll see. EVERYONE will love me !! It'll be abso-fucking-loutly amazing. I kinda miss being the way I used to be. Conceded, yes of course, I had a perfect body, I really don't understand how I got the way I am, and no don't for one second say, "YOU ATE TO MUCH AND YOU DIDN'T EXERCISE" because that's not it at all. I just don't have a fast metabolism. The doctor even said so. It just stopped doing what it was supposed to, and now I'm as big as a whale. Don't try and stop me. I wanna be this way again, and I'm going to do whatever it takes. I wanna be who I used to, the girl who could have anyone she wanted whenever she wanted. The girl who got so many compliments from strangers. The girl that everyone loved to hate. Me. Skinny Me. I'm sick of everyone telling me, "Oh get skinny" or "Be like that again" This is my 6Th attempt. And I will complete it. With victory. I'll overcome my laziness, and irresponsibility for myself. Just so I can look in the mirror one more time and say, "God, I'm so fucking hott, seriously! Look at me! I'm gorgeous!" Hm.. and I think its pretty ridiculous when my mom calls her own daughter fat. "Every time I look at you your bigger and bigger. SHE SEE'S ME EVERYDAY! But whatever. I already hate the way I look. Lets let family make it worse. This is whats going on now. And so far I'm ready for the pain, struggle, and reward, from whats about to happen.

Now, lets not get too excited.

I post a lot of blogs.. -_-

BLAHHH, idfk.

I just found something amazing out.

But it's not going to happen.

Hmph. Well, maybe.

Idk. Its up to the one person who's on the other side of it.

Which makes the outcome look bad.

Perhaps, it's pretty much unfinished business.

That I think, idk about the other person, but I think it should become finished.

Maybe thats why I'm hooked. 0_0

But I'm telling myself, "Now, lets not get too excited."

Bahaha. It's 2:07 am.

& I think this thought is rediculous.

You make my heart race.

It's been forever, and you do this to me now. I thought things were done with. Now your making me feel.. feel like I used too. And I can't handle that, even if I wanted too.

--

What just happened brought back so many amazing memories. I'm like shaking, and my heart is racing. Just when I thought everything was okay. You come back into my life.

--

I don't know how any of this ended up like it did. But I don't think either of us could answer that. You seriously had me from the beginning, and then we just drifted. I didn't want to do what I did. But I thought it was right. And look how that wound up. It's stupid.

--

We're both idiots. And I hate you for everything you've ever done to hurt me. But I still care about you. Even if I don't want to. I still love you. But thats unconditional. Fuck you, this, us, everything thats ever happened.

I think your like the most perfect person, yet I see nothing but flaws. It doesn't make any sense. And I don't think it's supposed to. But whatever. I'll let it go. But I still want to know exactally what went through your mind when I said what I said at the car. And why you went for it. Even if you don't care about me. Which from what you tell me you do. And when I ended everything it was only because you acted as if I wasn't as great as I used to be. But you went on about how you were testing my love.

--

I'm sorry but when I'm in a relationship all I do is care, and I let my gaurd down, when I shouldn't. I don't understand why you'd have to test my love. Your rediculous, and you were out of excuses, don't lie. I hate that about you. I can't ever figure out if your being a sarcastic asshole, or if your serious. You could say I love you a million times, and I don't even know if I could believe you anymore. Your really not worth my time, but I want to spend every waking second with you. You made me fall faster then ever. You made me love more then I've ever loved. You made me feel like someone actually cared.

I just don't understand anymore. Nothing makes sense.

"You were a priority, was I an option?"

Let the past be the past.

Well, I am going to this thing called Dracula's Ball on Saturday with Marissa, Richi, and Cow. Well, I really don't like the fact that some people think that I don't defend them. I very well do, and I also don't like the fact that two of those people don't like each other, and the one thinks that the other CONSTANTLY talks shit about them. When he doesn't. I hate that I have to yell and give both of them shit because I'm trying to make them both happy but they never understand.
--
Get over it. Let the past be the past. This is ridiculous.
Yes, they have their reasons. So, I won't question it.
I understand where they are both coming from.
But they both need to understand that they are my best friends.
I'm closer with one of them on this day, then the other the next.
--
I love them equally. No matter where they are on my top. LOL!! BAHAHA!
-coughs- Anyway, that's not the point.
I honestly wish they could get along. Because it bothers me that my two best friends hate each other. Silly, Silly, nonsense. But its whatever.
--
I'll defend them both for now on. So none of this bullshit can continue.
If they're reading this. Then good.


Now they can understand.

Jaws' Birthday Show!

Sooo, yesterday I went with Marissa and Cow to Allentown PA for Jaws' birthday show. But before we left we went back to Cows house and we went in his little brothers room and he had lots and lots of candy. We stole one of everything. Then I realized I left my snapple in the house. And Cow was like "RUN IN AND GET IT!!" and I thought it was weird to go inside his house without him so I took Marissa with me. And we took 1000 more candies, and stuffed them in my shirt. But they were only green candies to give to Jaws.Well, yeah, Ken was there and he had his normal eyes. Which really took me by surprise. I gave him 1000 hugs.. as usual. Marissa and I finally struck up enough courage to go up to Jaws and give him his present. Then my fishnets got caught on some girls purse. -_- Jaws called us over to a quieter place, and was like "Aww You guys are the best" and of course Cow had to ruin it by laughing like "AHHHUHGHH AHAHAH" Silly Cow. Then we got a little hug from Jaws. It was great. We walked around. Listened to bands. We watched cow dance. I danced for a hott second. Marissa didn't want to dance because she had cobble robble a mobble pobble sobble. Which mad me upset. There were Definitely some cute people there. Hmm. I kept bumming cigarettes off of people. It was amazing. Something I could never quiet do at freaknight. =]
-
Anyway, so we were watching My Parasites play, and they were throwing this baby around.. It looked adorable. So, I wanted it. And I got it. Jaws also smashed a glass bottle over his head he bled. They kept making sparklers with metal when my favorite song by them Now function was being played. A few got on my arm, one got in Marissas eye. Jaws got beer splashed in his eye. He jumped off stage. lol.
-
Then of course I didn't know the baby had chicken livers in it. FAIL!!! And I only found that out because this girl asked me and Marissa to pose for a picture with it. And then she was like "Oh by the way, did you know that has Chicken livers in it?" I was like oh my. And I went to the bathroom with Marissa plopped the chicken livers into the sink, and Marissa nearly threw up. So, she made me through the baby away, even though Jaws named it Glitch. Blahhh, Then I promised this guy in this band that I'd watch him. But I couldn't cause Cow always wants to leave early. So, I gave Ken a hug. And we went home. What did we learn today? NEVER DRIVE WITH COW. HE MAKES YOU BUMP YOUR HEAD!